


Coffee and Tea

by orphan_account



Series: Crossovers [1]
Category: Homestuck, Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Bookstores, Coffee, Coffee Shops, Crossover, Damara has a strip club, Dead People, Derse cafe, Equius is dead, Except John and Jane, Gamzee is essencially Juuzou, Gen, Ghouls, Ghoulstuck, Humanstuck, Karkat has sickle cell disease, Prospit bookstore, Strippers & Strip Clubs, Tokyo Ghoulstuck, and takes pain meds and shots for it, dersites are ghouls, except he's tamer, kind of, prospitians are humans and investigators
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-03 01:41:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6591442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p> Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you wish you'd never set foot into that cafe</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Derse Cafe

**Author's Note:**

> Ashton here, this is the second fanfiction I've actually planned out. The updates with not be regular (then again, when are my updates ever regular?) so sorry

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you regretting all of your life decisions right now. But the main one is signing up with the CCG.

It didn’t start out too bad. Actually, it did. When you were younger, your father was killed, supposedly in a car accident, so you moved in with your cousin Kankri’s family, which are all nice enough, but they can’t even begin to compare to your dad. Since you found out it was actually ghouls who killed Karson C. Vantas, you decided that you would take revenge into your own hands.

Now you are beginning to regret all of it, as your new partner nudges your arm. “Hey motherfucker, ya wanna go get some coffee? I know this bitchtits awesome place near spidersis’s book store.”

“Whatever the fuck floats your goddamn boat.” You grumble, letting him lead you out of headquarters and into the city. You pause briefly to take some pain meds and follow him, grumbling curses.

Makara is supposed to be one of the greatest investigators of all time. But in all honesty, he just acts like an excited stoner kid. But whatever. As long as you find the Twin Lions, as the CCG has nicknamed them. There had been increased ghoul activity and mindless killings in the 20th ward, which is known for not having much ghoul  activity. There had also been sightings of the disastrous ghouls in the area, so the two of you had been sent to drive them out of hiding so they can finally be disposed of properly.

He leads you past the weird, is that a strip club? You see a guy with a long black ponytail checking ids at the door, and shrug.

Gamzee finally stops in front of a coffee shop. It’s a cute little place, with pretty purple curtains. Its overall purple and black and white themed. The two of you walk in and run into a waiter, clad in blue.

“I’m so sorry sir!” he says, frantically trying to clean up the spilled coffee. You merely stare down at your ruined, coffee stained shirt, and then back at the boy, cursing. He flinches and hurries away, tapping the arm of a girl wearing a black and purple dress. She looks vaguely goth, and she walks toward you. She doesn't smile.

"Hello sir, welcome to Derse cafe. My name is Rose. I am so sorry one of my coworkers spilled some coffee on you. May I get you a free coffee to lighten the mood?" she asks.

"Sure, why the fuck not." you say, allowing yourself to be led to a table. The girl, Rose, nods and walks toward the counter, where a tallish girl with short dirty blonde hair (and wearing purple) is making coffee. She says a few words to her and she nods, pulling out a mug and beginning to fill it.

Rose brings you the mug and sets it down in front of you. You are about to grab it and drink it when Gamzee reaches over and grabs it. God fucking damn it, that was your coffee!

You reluctantly turn to Rose, who is already coming back with a mug of coffee. "Here you go, Investigator." she says, placing it in front of you with flourish. From the corner of your eye, you see Gamzee tense, but you are already drinking your coffee and holy fuck this coffee is good how the fuck do they make this shit.

You eagerly drink your coffee, watching the staff. A girl who looks half African American (wearing a frilly purple dress) comes out of a door in the back, and the blonde working the coffee machine catches her and dips her, giving her a soft kiss. You watch them, and you would smile at how cute they are if your one facial expression wasn't a scowl.

Rose and the blue clad employee have a chat, and then another blonde in purple and black (goddamn it why does everyone wear purple what the fuck), this one with sunglasses, comes over and joins their conversation. You spot the Nitram brothers sitting at a table, and soon, the guy with the ponytail from the strip club walks in and joins them, giving Rufioh a small kiss before dragging a chair over to the table.

You motion for the blonde behind the counter to come over, and she does, smiling and pulling up a chair. "Hi! I'm Nepurrta. Nepurrta Leijon. What do ya need?" she asked in a cheerful, high pitched voice.

"Jesus fuck, Leijon. I just asked you to come the fuck over here, not give us all your personal fucking information. But speaking of personal information, we have a couple of fucking questions to ask you." you say, taking another sip of your coffee

"Karkat, we need to all up and motherfucking leave." Gamzee hisses in a dangerous tone. You gulp and nod, standing up and walking out the door. The tall Makara follows you. When you look at him questioningly, he shakes his head, pulling you along.

Outside the cafe, you see your cousin Kankri sitting next to, but not to close to, some greaser with a guitar, who you recognize as Cronus Ampora, Kankri's sort of boyfriend. You honestly don't know what the hell their relationship is.

It's a peaceful afternoon, and you are starting to wonder where on earth the ghouls are.

And then you see the corpse.

The corpse with the three claw marks.

 

* * *

 

 

"Hey Janey, the doves are like totes gone, you can come out now" you hear a voice say. You turn around and look at your friend, Roxy Lalonde.

Your name is Jane Crocker, and you are freaking out. Doves had walked into the shop you were in, and you are deathly afraid of doves. But then again, who isn't? Except for Rose Lalonde, but that girl has some serious issues.

You climb out from under the counter, both Roxy and Nepeta extending a hand to help you up. You take both of them, getting to your feet and breathing a sigh of relief. Then you turn to Feferi and ask her about the news of the new territory battle.

The older Megido and Peixes have been fighting over territory for a very long time now, and to be honest, you kind of wish they would just stop. Their constant fighting and killing draws the CCG into this sector of the city, and you really don't need investigators crawling everywhere, looking for ghouls. Besides, the ghouls in your little shop don't kill people unless they have to. And that occasion arises almost never.

See, your shop is within driving distance of the bottom of a well known cliff, where many people go to kill themselves. You clean up the bodies, bring them to the shop, and eat them. Occasionally, you guys have to ask the Leijon girls go hunt something for you, but for the most part, everything goes pretty well.

Eridan lives in the area, but he doesn't do too much harm. He doesn't go on aimless killing sprees like Damara and Meenah do. No, he just hunts. The doves probably think that it's a single ghoul territory. They couldn't be more wrong.

 The bell on the door chimes, and you look up as the Captor twins come in.

The Captor twins are probably the only doves that you don't worry too much about. They're always hanging around somewhere, and tend to like the shop. _Your_ shop. You were the one who started it off, bringing John and his girlfriend Rose, who brought her older sister. Roxy now works days at the shop and nights at Damara's strip club.

Then came the Zahhaks. Horuss also works at Damara's strip club, and Equius used to work at Dirk's automobile repair...

You don't like to think about Equius.

Afterwards came the Megidos, then the Peixes, at first coming to stay for the night, and then accepting staying for longer.

The Leijon girls came a couple months after the Meenah ran off. The Leijons were feared ghouls, hunted down by doves all over the city. They came for refuge and decided to stay, becoming as peaceful and non-violent as the rest of the rest of the occupants.

Then the Ampora boys arrived. Cronus stayed full time, while Eridan hunted in the streets and lived in a shitty run down apartment a couple blocks from the shop.

The Striders never actually came, per se, but they got in contact with Derse cafe, and often visit. You had always lived in fear of doves, but had lived in relative safety from the CCG.

But when Damara moved out was when shit truly began to go down.

Now there were two new investigators, one of them a Makara, hunting throughout the sector for ghouls. And just your luck that they stumble into your peaceful, well meaning shop. If they kill any of the ghouls who work at your shop, you will never be able to forgive yourself. Ever.

"Oi, Jane." The messy haired Captor twin, Mituna, said. You looked away from the wall you had been staring at and asked him what he wanted. He told you his usual order, and you began making it for him, deciding to make small talk. "How is the hunt for Aquarius going?" you ask. They had nicknamed Eridan Aquarius, and you personally think it suits him very well.

"I think we finally have a good lead." Mituna tells you, waiting for his coffee. "He liketh the color black, tho we dethided that we would detain anyoneof hith thithe and build wearing black or dark colored clothing." He tells you proudly. You make a metal note to tell Ampora to wear some lighter garb.

"Hurrah!" you say, handing him his coffee. He pays you and goes to sit down with Sollux, who is talking to the young Megido.

You really like Aradia. She's kind and funny and wicked smart, and she has a way of making everyone laugh.

You hear your stomach growl and you curse - mentally of course. A lady never curses. "Hey Nepeta, can you cover me while I get a bite to eat?" you ask, standing up and walking through the back door. She nods and takes your place behind the counter.

 


	2. Prospit Bookstore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This mainly shows how unstable Nepeta can get when she's hungry. I have many headcanons about ghoulstuck Nepeta, and I feel like if she was used to ruling the streets, she would want to rule them once more. Feedback is much appreciated!
> 
> And I love the idea of ghoulstuck Erisol sue me

The five of you are gathered in Prospit bookstore, deep in thought. Gamzee actually looks coherent for once, and Karkat is drumming his fingers on the table impatiently.

Your name is Sollux Captor, and you have a huge gay crush on another man you occasionally see at the cafe. You don't know his name, which you find stupid, because if you like a guy, you should at least know his name!

"Sollux, can you pay attention!" Jade says impatiently, poking you with her finger.

"What are you talking about, of courthe I'm paying attention, why would you think that I wathn't paying attention?" You try to cover, pulling your thoughts away from the above mentioned crush on a douchey hipster.

Jade rolls her eyes. "Because Karkat's been shouting at you for about thirty seconds now."  Well fuck

"Yeah Karkat?" you say.

The Investigator cleared his throat. "As I was _saying_ , Sollux, you and your retarded brother should keep your eyes out for the goddamn Twin Lions! I think that those fuckers could be affiliated with Aquarius, so tell me or Makara if you assholes see anything!" he says loudly, causing Aranea to turn to you from the counter and give you a look. You wave.

"Yeth thir!" Mituna says, saluting. You give Karkat a glare. "Mituna ithn't retarded, heth jutht... thpethial, thatth all." you say. Goddamnit, why did you have to chose so many words with the letter 's'??? You have a horrible lisp, and you doubt that Karkat even understood what you said. But somehow, he did, because he flipped you the bird and stood up, walking over to Aranea and speaking with her for a bit.

He came back with a smug expression, which made you suspicious. But he's a higher raking officer than you, so you know that you shouldn't ask about what he was doing. Whatever. You'll just go back to Derse and see if the hipster was there.

"Come on." you say to Mituna, standing up. The two of you wave goodbye to Karkat, Jade, and Gamzee and then walk out of Prospit.

"Do you have a lead or thomething?" your twin brother asks you.

"Yeah, I think tho." you answer, smiling and heading for the cafe.

"Ith thith about-" You can see where he's going with this, and you _really_ don't want to talk about guys with your twin brother. Just... no. You don't even want to think about the conversation that would follow.

"Thut up Mituna." you say, huffing and dragging him over to Derse.

The cafe emptier than you remember, with only two of the staff in your line of sight. Those two are Roxy and... oh my god does the hipster work here? Purple really suits him, you think. You hold back a smirk and walk up to the counter. "Can I have a thmall cappuccino and a banana thmoothie?" you ask.

"Thith ith going to be a long day." you hear Mituna mutter.

 

* * *

 

 

That night, you take John with you to gather bodies. You always like to go with either John, your sister, or your girlfriend. Well, she has been acting awful distant lately, and doesn't like spending time with you as much as she did, leading you to believe that she's trying to break up with you. Cut things off with you.

You don't want to think about that. Yesterday, you had gone with Meulin, so today you would go with John.

  
Your name is Nepeta Leijon, and you really need to get a new mask. The current one that you have is easily recognizable as the one you wore when you and Meulin hunted in the streets. Normally, the doves wouldn't remember your mask too well, except for the elaborate headdress you always wear, and that you and your sister have killed more doves than you can count. Mindlessly slaughtered more humans than you'd care to think about. Killed a fair share of ghouls, too.

  
Your mask is white, with an elaborate and extremely detailed cat face on it. Or rather, it used to be white. It has been smeared with blood more times than you can count, and is an off-white color as a result. But you still love this mask.

  
"Hurry up John!" you say, pounding on the dashboard of the beat up van. He rolls his eyes.

  
"Nepeta, I'm trying to drive carefully! We can't just go rushing through the streets, otherwise we'll get pulled over by cops." he tells you. You huff and nod, crossing your arms. "Joooohn."  
"Whaaaat?" he says back.

"Are we there yet?"

"Oh my god Nepeta no don't even start." he groans, taking a hand off the wheel and swatting at your arm. You only giggle and keep pestering him until you arrive at the site.

You slip on your mask and step out of the car, sticking close to the edge of the cliff. You look around, alert and tense. If another ghoul is here, you can try to settle it peacefully. If not... You grin maliciously, flexing your claws. You really hadn't had a good hunt in a while.

Eventually, you accept the fact that you probably won't find anything tonight and start to head back to the car, still creeping quietly. You hop in the passenger seat and take off your mask. "Nothing tonight John, lets go." you tell him, not too worried. You have plenty of food at Derse, so it'll be fine if you don't find anything for a couple weeks. You have enough food there to last a couple months, unless something horrible and disastrous happens, but you aren't too worried about that. There's nothing that you can't handle. When you lived with your sister, you two were practically unstoppable. You miss the good old days, where you were the queen of the streets, all the violence and death and food and suffering...

"How long has it been since you last ate?" John asks, startling you out of your rather dark thoughts.

"A week or two?" you offer. He lets out an melodramatic sigh. "Eat some stuff when you go home, okay? I don't want you going rogue on us!"

"Okay fine. Where did this suddenly come furrom?" you ask. You lick your lips, almost believing that they were still covered in Makara's blood. You wish you had killed him. You really wish you did. He killed your best friend, and he was going to pay. Everyone would pay. There would be so much bloodshed and suffering and you would be the cause of it and _yes..._

"Nepeta Leijon stop looking at me like I'm an animal that you're about to skin!" John protests. You tilt your head. "Huh?"

He tossed you a pocket battleship game. "Play with this until we get home, okay? But don't break it because I really like that game and I don't want to have to buy a new one." he tells you. You nod and grab the game, soon losing yourself in coordinates and ships.


	3. Damara's Strip Club

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut ahead  
> Also death and sadness ahead

Your name is Gamzee Makara, and you think that you have a lead on the Twin Lions, or at least one of them.

You remember clearly when you killed Centaur, and when the smaller Lion tried to defend him. Self consciously, you rub the scars across your face, remembering how you got them

_Your quinque is out, and you are snarling at the muscled man in front of you. His mask is shaped like a horse's head, so you give him the nickname Centaur, chuckling._

_He has a koukaku, and you grin to yourself. Once you penetrate his strong defenses, its over for him. Centaur will be gone.  
_

_The battle, if you can call it that, goes by very quickly. Your rinkaku penetrates his shields every time. He is weak, and you shove on his shoulder, making him kneel._

_And that is when you feel the hardened rc cells of a ukaku pierce your back, and you kick his head, turning around to face..._

_A girl wearing a blue headdress and an elaborate mask shaped like a cat's face. She looks to be a particularly powerful ukaku, and you instantly recognize her to be the younger Twin Lion. The Twin Lions don't care about anyone, and haven't been seen in a year. They've been known to cannibalize. So why is she trying to protect this ghoul?_

_You advance toward her, and she continues to launch shards at you. The trick with ukakus is to outlast them, or get in close, so that their kagune is rendered useless. And that's what you do, rushing forward._

_But too late your remember that this is a Lion, and her claws rake across your face, her sharp teeth ripping a chunk out of your shoulder. She then plants a boot on your nose and jumps, trying to get away. You slash off her foot before she can through, and she screams and falls to the ground. "Stay on the ground where you belong, scum." you hiss at her, advancing forward._

_She just spits in your face. You are about to lunge toward her when a hand grips your ankle tightly. You see the face of centaur, and you have to admit that he has a nice face. His peircing blue eyes meet yours, and you gasp softly.  Tears start to roll down your face. This man is Equius Zahhak, the boy in your shop class, who makes your heart beat faster ad who's touch makes you blush and feel like a lovestruck 14 year old. You've never been a lovestruck 14 year old before. Then your eyes harden. He needs to die._

_You stab him repeatedly in the stomach, making sure that he's dead. When you turn around, the Lion is gone, and you fall to your knees, cutting off his head._

You throw the mug in your hand at the wall, growling. It wasn't fair. It wasn't _fair_. Why did such a nice boy that you crush on have to end up being such a disastrous being? Why was he such an abomination?

You glance at the stuffed head, mounted on a pedestal in your room. You lean up and gently press a kiss on it's cold, dead lips. They you slap it as hard as you can. It rolls off the pedestal and flops on the floor

It just wasn't fair.

 

* * *

 

 

Your name is Meulin Leijon, and you would be freaking out if you weren’t so incredibly turned on right now.  
  
A dove just walked into the strip club, eyeing you up in a way that makes you shiver pleasantly, giving you the motivation to swing your hips a bit more, be more showy, be sexier, because oh god if you didn’t know that that guy was a dove you would want to fuck him so hard-  
  
As he walks toward you, you give him a wink, shrugging off your crop top and swinging around the pole. He eyes your medium sized breasts and then looks at you, licking his lips. You give him a seductive smile and probably preform your sexiest pole dance ever, because god damn. You want him in bed. You want to rut him into the ground and fuck him so hard he screams your name over and over again.  
  
Damara motions for you to come over, and you pause for a second to look straight at the dove and give the pole a long lick before heading over.  
  
“Dove wants fuck. Pays good money. Don’t die.” Is all she tells you, giving you a second to slip on a tight green t-shirt and a short black skirt before ushering you over to one of the back rooms. You note with pleasure that he hasn’t gotten here yet, and take a moment to sit down on one of the chairs, your legs spread open.  
  
You watch as he comes in, and gives you a smirk that sends electricity up your spine. You stand up, slamming the door shut and feeling a pair of muscled arms encircle your waist. Purring, you turn around and shove him into one of the chairs, straddling his lap. He kisses you deeply, his hands finding their way up your shirt, and you shudder.  
  
 You boldly shove your hand down his pants, causing him to gasp against your lips, a tremor running through his body, Yes, that’s it. You begin to stroke his dick, using your other hand to unbutton his shirt and toss it to the side. Then you get started on his pants, pushing them and his boxers out of the way so that you can get to work.  
  
“What’s your name, darling?” you ask, nipping at his neck. He lets out a quiet moan, then says, “K-Kurloz”  
  
“Well, Purrloz,” you smirk at the cat pun you just gave him. “My name is Mewlin, and I’m going to fuck you senseless.”  
  
He seems to be okay with the idea, judging by the way his hips buck up against yours, and the quiet moans he makes.  
  
You can see that he’s enjoying this, but he’s probably paid for more than this. And you know pure well that you both want to and will give him a hell of a lot more than just this. And so you shove his legs open, scooting off of him and kneeling on the floor. The tip of your tongue ghosts across the tip of his member, and he gasps. You then decide to take his full erection in your mouth and begin to suck on it, lightly tracing your fingers on the insides of his thighs.  
  
“Ahh, Meulin, fuuuck,” he moans softly (goddamnit why is he so quiet), bucking his hips up against your mouth. You growl and shove him onto the chair, lifting your mouth off of his dick and smirking. “Well well, Purrloz, I see that it’ll take a bit more time to tame you.”  
  
You haul him up and plop him on the table, grabbing the box full of sex toys and placing it next to him. “Hmmm, vibrator?” you ask yourself, flipping him over, covering it in lube, and shoving it deep into his ass. You enjoy the way his face goes through numerous emotions, first pain, then pleasure, then lust and a few more emotions you don’t know how to name as you turn the vibration as high as it will go.  
  
You fuck his ass with the vibrator for a bit, rubbing your clit and watching lustfully. You normally never get a client this submissive. It’s pretty nice.  
  
“Meulin please.” He whispers, his hands gripping the sides of the table. You only cackle and slap his ass, flipping him over again and straddling him. His erection presses against you through your thin panties, and you smirk at him.  
  
“Meulin what?”  
  
“Meulin fuck me please.” He breathes out, and you unzip your skirt, kick off your panties, and lower yourself onto him.  
  
“Damn right I am!” you tell him. Those are your last coherent words for the night, because soon you are riding him like there’s no tomorrow, moaning loudly. You had always been rather loud, and you’re kind of sad that it drowns out Kurloz’s quieter, more desperate moans, but damn this feels too good for you to care too much.  
  
He bucks against you, trying to shove deeper into you. Through your lusty haze, you can hear Kurloz softly yell your name before you feel him ejaculate into you. You stay on his member, fingering your clit and trying to orgasm because you are not going to get any sleep while you are this horny.  
  
You then get off of him, taking the vibrator out of his hole, before shoving it into your vagina. Yes, this is nice.  
  
And then suddenly, you’re pinned against the wall and he’s fucking you with the vibrator, rubbing his hands against your clit and oh god you’ve never been treated like this before you need him you want him you-  
  
You scream his name as you come, pleasure filling your body. You don't know if your kakugan comes out or not, but if so, Kurloz doesn't seem to notice. You then lie limp against Kurloz, while he chucks the vibrator away and lowers you to the ground. You almost groan. Oh god, not more.  
  
But to your astonishment, he wraps his muscular arms around you and begins to cuddle, pulling you against his cool, toned body. You sigh gently and relax into him, purring. He plants kisses on your jaw, and for a while, the two of your just lay there. Then, you make the move to get up, but he holds you down.  
  
“Stay.” He murmurs quietly, his eyes closed. You nod and curl up against him again, tangling your fingers in his curly black hair.  
  
You haven’t felt this content in a while

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the idea of dom Meulin.  
> And most of the alpha trolls and who are ghouls work at Damara's strip club (with the exception of Meenah)  
> Meulin is a stripper, Damara is the manager, Horuss is a bouncer of sorts and Roxy runs the bar.


	4. The Roof

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love these dorks

Your name is Eridan Ampora, and you just watched a dove walk into the cafe. Everyone else is having a meeting, so Roxy had talked you into staying and manning the shop with you. Nepeta was supposed to help, but judging by the recent turn of events, it didn't look like she'd be going anywhere anytime soon. But what can you say, she just had her feelings crushed. You can understand her moping, even if you don't agree with it

You groan as you see the Captor twins come into Derse, and Roxy nudges your arm. "Lookey lookey, your lovey dovey bf is here." she tells you. You give her a look and she falls onto the floor, giggling like there's no tomorrow. God dammit

First of all, you would _never_ date a dove. If you did, the last dove you'd date is Sollux. He makes your stomach flutter in a way that actually isn't too uncomfortable, and besides, he pisses you off. He really pisses you off. Everything from his damn lisp to his multi colored glasses are both endearing and infuriating at the same time. So yeah, not Sollux. You have standards, after all.

"Can I have a thmall cappuccino and a banana thmoothie?" he asks. Gah, you want to both punch him in the face and kiss him at the same time. Why the fuck are you feeling like this. This isn't normal. 

"Thure" you tell him, getting started on the smoothie. Roxy giggles and starts on the coffee.

"Oh mock the lithp, very original." He says. You can see him roll his eyes behind his shitty glasses.

You roll your eyes back at him and peel a banana, dumping the cream colored fruit into the blender. "How was your day, Captor? Any leads on Aquarius?" You know full well that you _are_ Aquarius. He's hunting for _you_. The thought makes you shiver, and you honestly wish it was accompanied by a spike of fear, rather than excitement.

"Every time we get thomething, it turnth out to be a dead end! Thith ghoul ith harder to catch than we thought." He complains, leaning on the counter. You hold back a smirk. Yeah, you're pretty hard to catch. You're good at this. Hell, your older brother is dating a dove's older brother, and neither of you have gotten caught yet. Amporas are good at this. Really good.

"Jeez, that sucks. Do you know what he looks like or something, any interests of his?" You ask. You don't have to pretend to be mildly interested, because you are. It concerns you after all.

"We know that he liketh coffee. In our latht encounter with him, hith thirt had a coffee thtain on it. Tho, if you thee anyone like Aquariuth coming in, jutht be thure to give me a call okay, mithter...?" He tells you. You make a mental note to not wear shit with coffee stains on it.

"Eridan. Eridan Ampora." you say, extending a hand. He takes it. "Thollukth. Thollukth Captor."

"Hmm, Thollukth, very original." you comment snidely, trying not to chuckle. You know full well that his name is probably Sollux, and you suspect that he knows this too, because he flips you off with one hand, the other flicking at your gelled hair.

"Oi, don't touch my fuckin hair!" you say, swatting at his hand. He chortles and grab at your hair again, causing you to squeak and duck. This causes him to laugh loudly at your antics, and your face to turn as red as Kankri's sweater.

"Here's your goddamn coffee, I hope that ya hit your side on the corner of a table." you tell him.

"I hope that you thtub your toe on the door to your room." He shoots back, the two of you laughing for a bit before he grabs his mug and sits at a table with his brother. Yeah, you could see yourself dating Sollux. You really could.

If you had to choose a dove, that is. If you had a choice in anyone, it wouldn't be Sollux. Not in a million years. Nope never ever in your life. Anyone _but_ Sollux.

So you wonder why you spend a couple seconds watching Sollux drink his smoothie at the table with his brother, imagining what it would be like to kiss him.

 

* * *

 

 

Your name is Meenah Peixes, and you are gonna kill a bitch. Megido nabbed some more of your territory, and you are going to make her pay. And what better way to do that then attack the area where she lives, her home court. Damara's strip club.

Back before she started grabbing at your territory, you worked at the club. You were the best, and earned a lot of money for her.

But now everything has changed, and you will make her pay.

"Hey Aranea, I'm off, see ya." you call, sauntering out the door.

You tuck your signature braids up into a cap, slipping on a fuchsia colored wig. Your fish mask slides over your dark eyes, and you grin, climbing to the roof. From above, it's easy to jump and jump and jump, reaching Damara's in almost no time at all.

What you see is enough to get you running back to the bookstore again. Three doves are heading into the place, and you decide that it's not worth it. Back to the bookstore it is then.

"Fish bitch, why you on my roof?" You hear a voice ask, with such a heavy accent that you know without a doubt that it is Damara herself.

You lazily play with your mask, your shark-like grin visible. "Its a free country, gill, you can't tell me to do anyfin."

You watch as her kakugan makes itself known and her kagune appears, a bikaku with two tails that curve out from her back in a way that resembles a ram's horns. You know well enough by now that if she gets you on the defensive for even a split second, you're done for. She pulls a mask and a blonde wig from her bag, slipping them on before launching herself at you.

Big mistake, Megido, because you've got some surprises up your sleeve as well.

Your rikaku deploys from your lower back, and you jump out of the way, slashing at her back. Her left needle tipped tentacle counters that attack, but your four other tentacles (you know how to change their shape to tridents, just as Damara knows how to change hers to needles) try to get at her. She counters this by slashing at one of your tentacles. You aren't fast enough, and she manages to sever it.

Out of the corner of your eye, you spot some doves climb onto the roof, their quinques out and ready. You meet Damara's eyes, and she gestures her head at the doves. You nod and launch yourself at them, screaming in rage and fury. Your sworn enemy attacks beside you, She takes the one with the curly black hair and a rikaku. You take the shorter boy with an ukaku crafted into sickles. You think you can take him out, and you think that Damara can handle curls.

You realize you're watching her when she yells, in flawless English, "Watch your back Fish!"

"You too Ram." you shout back, a bit surprised that she has good English. Who would have known?

Sickles attacks with blinding fury, and you strike back, your remaining three tentacles lashing out at him with blinding fury. You force him to the edge of the roof and kick him off of it.

You wish the roof was higher than two stories, but oh well. The look on his face is priceless.

Curls goes flying out along with sickles, and you only have a second to celebrate your victory before you feel a needle pierce your back, and you fall over, tasting blood. "Wha-"

Damara comes into view, fuming and stabbing you again and again and again and again...

You eventually black out from pain.


	5. The Back Room of Derse Cafe

Your name is Feferi Peixes and you need to break up with your girlfriend.

You still love her, but it isn't necessarily the same. Not anymore. You'd best describe it as best friends who kiss every now and then. It's not the same spark, the same tingle of electricity at the base of your spine, that you had when you started the relationship.

The spark you now feel when you look at Aradia. When the two of you sit down on the off shift and braid each others hair. The warm feeling in your body when she kisses you.

Yeah, you need to break up with your girlfriend.

But not today. Today is the worst possible day to break up with her. A dove had come yesterday, and she was probably on edge.

"Whats bothering you?" a voice asks, soft hands gently wrapping around you. Aradia nuzzles you softly, and you purr and pull her onto your lap.

"It's aboat Nepeta. I know I need to break up with her, but I don't know how I should approach the subject." you say truthfully. You feel her sigh and squeeze your hands.

"You can't keep leading her on like this, Feferi. You have to tell her." she says softly, almost disappointing. You heart clenches.

"I know that! But I'm not shore how!" you whine. She chuckles and gives you a quick kiss, pulling away from you.

"Like this." she says, clearing her throat and beginning to imitate your voice "Hi Nepeta! I'm breaking up with you."

"That is the worst way to break up with someone." You state, trying not to giggle. She however, laughs loudly and wraps her arms around you. You nuzzle into her affectionately kissing her cheeks, but the comfort is short lived.

"You sure about that, Feferi?" a voice asks. You feel your stomach drop as you look over at the doorway, where Nepeta Leijon herself is standing, her face empty. Not expressionless, just... empty. You want to curl up in a ball and die.

"Oh, uh, hi Nepeta." you say softly. Aradia hurriedly climbs off of you, but the damage has already been done. It only takes a single look at the blonde girl's face to know that.

"I knew this was coming anyway. I hope she makes you happy in ways I never could." she says flatly, turning and running out of the room. You get up to follow her, but are pulled back into your chair by Aradia.

"Not now. I know you want to run after her, but you need to give her some time." she says quietly. You nod and curl up in a ball.

But before you know it, you're holding Aradia and sobbing like there's no tomorrow, wondering what you did wrong, what you're doing with your life.

 

* * *

 

 

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you are so incredibly confused. The perky blonde you met last time is crying at a coffee table. What was her name? Nepeta. Yeah, Nepeta. The girl Gamzee didn't like. You can't really see why he wouldn't like her, except for the fact hat she's hyperactive as fuck.

"Hey douchenozzel, why the fuck are you sitting your retarded ass in a chair and sulking like there's no tomorrow." You say.

She glares at you. "You aren't helping at all mister investigator! I'm actually prefer it if you would just leave me the fuck alone!" she spits. Okay woah, you were not expecting that at all.

From the counter, the blonde who looks suspiciously drunk gives you a look. A guy in purple dressed as a prince, who looks suspiciously like Cronus, is talking to Sollux, and Mituna is staring off into space, muttering something about bees. Typical.

"I'm just fucking concerned about you goddamn mental state, that's all. No need to be so salty fucktrain." you say. Fucktrain, that was new. You don't particularly like that one, so you probably won't use that ever again.

She balls her fists and slams them on the table. "Maybe I don't want your help! Maybe I think you need to get out of my life?!" she hisses. The blonde barista is now staring openly at you two as she makes coffee, but you couldn't care less.

"Maybe you're being so fucking pathetic that I happen to, gee I don't fucking know, feel concerned." you snarl, hands on your hips. You're trying to help! Why is she being such a bitch?!

She slaps you across the face, and you just stand there for a second, your hand on your stinging cheek, before you launch into rant mode. A word vomit, Cronus had called it.

"I can't believe that you, of all people, the most retarded, pathetic fuckwad I have ever met, has just slapped me across the face! It might come as news, but some of us are decent people and ask people who are sobbing at a goddamn table what the hell is bothering them. People ted to think that, I don't know, you might actually be fucking grateful that someone is checking up on your lame ass instead of leaving you here to cry your eyes out like-"

A hand is slapped forcefully over your mouth, and you are met with a pair of vaguely pinkish eyes. They look mad.

"She just liek watched her girlfriend cheat on her give her some slack." she tells you, turning around and helping a now even sadder Nepeta to her feet. You feel bad about making her sadder, you really do.

So that's why you watch the two of them go into the back room of the shop, Nepeta practically being carried by the blonde.

You're such a jerk sometimes


	6. The CCG

Your name is Kurloz Makara, and you don't want to do what you have to do. But you have to. If you don't your crazy brother will have your hide. And you like your skin where it is.

The sleeping girl next to you makes your heart thump uncomfortably. No, not a girl. A ghoul. You saw her kakugan when she came, and that confirmed your suspicions. She was probably one of the Twin Lions. You want to curl up and cry.

Eventually, you stand up. You grab your clothes and slip them on, fingering your briefcase for a moment before setting it down and picking up her clothes. You slip them on her, and you curl up and actually begin to cry. Your thin frame shaking as you try to stop. You are unnatural. You are gross. Why are you feeling attached to this ghoul?

Eventually you regain your composure. Maybe you could lie and say that you had no evidence that she could even be connected to ghoul activity in the area. Yeah, that's a good idea. Good job Kurloz. That's a plan.

You lean down and, after a moment, slip off your jacket. draping it over her. You write your phone number on a slip of paper and set it next to her. Then, you gently kiss her forehead.

She murmurs a couple sleepy words and rolls over, her messy blonde hair splaying out at all angles. She's so cute.

And that's probably why you sit there for a while, gently running your bony fingers through her hair. Massaging out the tangles in it and sighing softly. Small tears slip down your face, but you don't react to it, focusing your attention to Meulin. You don't want to leave. You want to stay here and cuddle her and give her cute little cliche kisses and giving her some cheesy pickup lines. She seems the type to enjoy them.

Eventually, she stirs, and looks up at you with sleepy eyes.

"Oh hey Purrloz." she says, stretching and groaning. You wince as you hear a few vertebrae in her back crack, but she only gives you a wolfish grin. Well, as wolfish of a grin one can offer when they just woke up.

"Hey Meulin." You say softly, pulling her onto your lap. She squeaks and curls up against you, resting a head against your chest.

"What time is it? She asks. You gently kiss the top of her head.

"I'm not too sure. I don't think it's been too-" You're interrupted by a girl with a bazillion tattoos and a revealing jade colored dress. She slams open the door, huffing and puffing. She looks like she ran over here.

"Investigator Makara! We have an emergency!" she practically yells.

You feel Meulin stiffen, but you give her a knowing smile and a kiss on the cheek before standing up and grabbing your briefcase. "What happened?" you ask.

"Ghouls on the roof." she pants. "Vantas and the other Makara got kicked off and won't make it in time."

You nod and head out the door. "I will take care of it."

 

* * *

 

 

Your name is Kanaya Maryam, and you wish you were a ghoul.

Normally, it's the other way around. Ghouls will sometimes wish to be human. But you? You want to be a ghoul. You wish you were a ghoul, just like your crush, Rose. Why did she have to be dating that other ghoul, John?

Your other crush. Feferi, is dating Nepeta. Why.

You decide to stop questioning it and keep working on the new dress.

You haven't been working long when the bell on your shop door tinkles pleasantly, and you see your favorite brown haired investigator walk in.

You're not even kidding. He is probably your favorite investigator.

He huffs and sits on the floor behind your desk, mumbling something about Derse Cafe. You feel your heart clench up. That's a ghoul hideout. Did he-

You sigh in relief when he starts ranting about some girl, Leijon, crying at a coffee table. You find Nepeta's company enjoyable. If she was crying, did that mean-

Feferi had broken up with her. If she wasn't taken anymore, then maybe-

No Kanaya, don't you dare get your hopes up. If you get your hopes up, they will only be dashed. Maybe she hooked up with Aradia or something. Oh god that would be awful. You don't even want to think about that.

"Why was miss Leijon crying?" you ask him, setting your skirt down and sitting next to him. You run your fingers through his coarse brown hair while the small Greek spills his problems to you.

And boy does he do a good job of spilling his guts to you. He rants and rants and rants. You have long seen that the phrase 'word vomit' describes any Vantas when mad, sad, or upset.

Eventually, his word vomit comes to an end, and he collapses against you, sobbing. You give a soft motherly sigh and hug him gently, telling him that everything will be okay, that it was all going to end well.

You almost feel like his surrogate mother sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feferi attracts all the lesbians and bisexuals  
> I should be sorry but I'm not.  
> I should rename this 'In Which All The Lesbians And Bisexuals, Excluding Roxy, Jane, And Rose, Try To Get With Feferi."


	7. Kanaya's Shop

You slam the door open, glaring down at the two occupants of the shop. Karkat is curled up on Kanaya's lap, sobbing his heart out. That weak motherfucker.

Your name is Gamzee Makara, and you've found a ghoul.

"The ghoul is Aquarius, and he's being cornered in an alley way. Yet your motherfucking ass up and out this door." you growl. Karkat nods shakily and gets to his feet, grabbing his briefcase.

When you reach the scene, even you are startled by the sheer weirdness of the scenario.

The Captor twins are practically throwing themselves at the ghoul, who looks to be tiring. His sea horse themed mask is stained with blood, and from the looks of him, most of it is his.

The weirdest thing is that he doesn't seem to be trying to kill the two investigators. He just seemed like he wanted to get away without harming either of the two. This was so out of character for a ghoul, and you got an idea.

You grab Karkat's arm as he's about to charge into the fray, and tell him to call a low level drone to follow the ghoul. He looks like he's about to protest, but the evil glare you give him makes him hesitate, and he types a few words into his touch pad. Meanwhile, you decide to inform the Captor Twins of your plan.

Turns out that you don't need a distraction, because Mituna trips over Sollux and launches toward Aquarius, who slashes him across the chest and to the side. Mituna lies limp while Sollux screams in rage and charges him.

You head to Mituna and look him over. It doesn't look too deep, and you lift him up, depositing him next to Karkat. "Take him for medical treatment." you order. He looks up at you defiantly, but your insane smile forces him into submission.

Then, as you spot a flash of metal from the corner of your eye, signaling the arrival of the drone, you join Sollux in the fight.

"That fucking douche, I'll kill him!!" Sollux screams, attacking with fury. You launch your own hits at Aquarius, who is now backed against a wall. If not for his kakuja, holy shit he was a kakuja, he would be dead by now. You distantly wonder how many ghouls he has cannibalized. Probably a lot.

The fight comes to a whole new head when Sollux gets a lucks swipe across his mask. The ugly bloody mask falls off of him, and he kicks you in the face, using your forehead as a launchpad. You don't see his face, but Sollux did, judging by his shocked reaction. You pick up his shaking for and carry him over to where you see Karkat loading Mituna into an ambulance.

You pass the younger Captor twin to Karkat while you begin to walk through the streets, snarling at passing bystanders and looking for ghouls to kill.

 

* * *

 

 

Your name is Roxy Lalonde and you don't know why all your friends are gay. Well, you don't really have room to complain, seeing that you are bisexual. But aren't gays and bisexuals supposed to be a minority? You sure aren't complaining though.

Nepeta's and Feferi's breakup had shaken you to your core. You had had a crush on Nepeta for a while, and when she had gotten together with Feferi, you wanted nothing more than to get a poly relationship with them. Because they are amazing ladies.

You'd get Dirk in on it, but he's gay, and you're pretty sure Feferi and Nepeta are lesbians. Well, Feferi you know for sure, but you suspect Nepeta might be too. Or she might be bi, like you.

All those thoughts are running through your head as you hold the sobbing blonde in your arms. Eridan and the Captors are long gone, but you don't know ir care where they went. You hope Eridan flipped the closed sign before he left.

"Nepeta it's going to be okay." you whisper, hugging her gently. "You'll be fine, I promise."

She doesn't respond, her tears soaking your purple dress. And so you continue to hug her tightly, murmuring encouraging phrases to her. It's going to be okay. You'll get through this. Feferi doesn't know what she's missing. You deserve someone better than her.

You don't say it, but you want to be that person for her. You want to be the one she deserves. But you know that you aren't good enough. Nepeta deserves someone better than you.

Eventually, her tears slow, and she looks up at you, gratefully. You wipe her cheeks and lift her up. "Come on Neppy lets go man the counter." You say, kicking the back door open and heading into the shop.

Neither of you see the drone hovering near the edge of the building, but you two do notice a certain Ampora limp into the shop.

He looks like death. He really does. He's covered in blood, his mask in tatters, and his clothes ripped.

"Nepeta, get Jane." you say, running over to him and picking him up. Blood covers your purple dress, but you can't bring yourself to care. Holy fucking shit, what happened to him?!

"Captor." he mumbles, blood trickling out of his mouth. You carry him inside the back room and almost crash into Jane.

"Roxy wh- Oh my god Eridan, what happened to you?!" She says, her eyes wide. Jane grabs the first aid kit and gets to work, patching up the wounds best she can while Eridan murmurs incomprehensible words into your chest.

"Get some food." she orders you, and you nod, standing and heading for the freezers.

You're running low on food. Maybe your little group could last a month or so on the corpses in there, but with Eridan wounded and needing to keep his strength up, you suspect that it will be less than that.

Will all the doves crawling around, it's a death sentence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I should be sorry but I'm not


	8. The Hospital

Your name is Mituna Captor and you feel like shit.

You and your brother were fighting a ghoul, Aquarius, and he got a good shot at you. Apparently you got cut across the chest and get your head slammed into a wall. Well shit.

You wish that you were able to communicate the thoughts in your head the way other people do. You aren't stupid. Similar to your twin, you are actually pretty smart. It's just that when you talk...

Lets just say that it doesn't work very well.

Sollux is sitting at your bedside, watching you carefully. You give him your standard grin and try to say that you're doing fine. It comes out as a garbled mess of curses and spluttering. You pull at your hair in frustration.

"Easy now, Tuna." Your twin says softly, removing your hands from your hair and setting them in your lap.

Sollux is one of the only people who truly _gets_ you. He understands that you aren't stupid. You're as smart as he is, you just...

You don't know why you're so bad at everything.

Kurloz walks into the room, and you perk up, saying something that even you don't really understand. But it has Kurloz's name in it, and he looks happy to see you. But something's troubling him. You can tell. You've always been able to tell when something's bothering him.

Sollux gets the message and steps out, leaving you alone with Kurloz. The tall Turkish man had never really been one for talking, so you decide to start, asking him what's bothering him. For once, it actually sort of sounds like how you want it to sound.

"I met someone." He said. His voice was quiet, almost a whisper, but it always had been  that way. You nod your head, motioning for him to continue, and he does.

"There is a slight complication though. She is a ghoul. She doesn't seem like it though, and I haven't seen any ghouls of her stature hunting for a long while." he said, looking down in shame. Your eyes widen, and you spasm in excitement. This was cool and weird at the same time.

You manage to stutter out a 'Talk to her' and grin widely at Kurloz, who gives you a small smile.

Then, you lurch forward, almost falling off the hospital bed, and give Kurloz a huge ass hug. He looks like he really needs it.

He looks like he's about to protest, but then he sighs and hugs you back as you grin wildly to yourself.

 

* * *

 

 

"Long time no see, Aries." you say. Beside you, Terezi cackles to herself.

"Back at you, Serket." The girl says in a thick accent. You sneer at her.

"Hope you're ready to die again." You taunt, cracking your knuckles.

You can feel the girl smirk behind her mask, and then you hear Terezi scream before going silent. You look and see that a girl with a fish themed mask has whacked your partner over the head with a shovel. So this must be the infamous Pisces.

"The ram and the fish. Who woulda thought." You chuckle, then turning at Aries and attacking.

You realize quickly that fighting two ghouls at once is very difficult. Your quinque almost gets disabled multiple times.

And then suddenly, Pisces is gone. You're backed against a wall, Aries facing you. You watch as she takes off her mask...

It's Aradia. Aradia Megido. The girl who's head you bashed into the pavement. The girl who's best friend you paralyzed from the waist down. The girl who's other friend you accidentally blinded.

Well, fuck her.

"Hello, Vriska." She says, stepping forward.

"Aradia. I should have known. Only you would have such an aaaaaaawful fighting style." You sneer, raising your quinque in a defensive position. She only laughs.

"You're going to pay for it all, Vriska." Aradia informs you, and then attacks with a renewed intensity.

There isn't anything you really can do to stop her. She keeps at you, wounding you ten times over for every scratch you get through her defenses.

"Vriska... I'm... Going... To... Kill... YOU!" She shouts, driving one of her tentacles into your stomach.

You sputter and fall to your knees. It's a near fatal blow, and you both know it. She just gives you a pitying look and turns around, slipping her mask back on and walking away.

You remember to turn on the distress beacon just before you black out.


End file.
